Nightmares End

In the end

There was only one truth

a nightmare can only end when you wake up

With a single blade I’ll cave my exit

in time I’ll trust the half to someone who wants to fight with me

I am whole enough to fight alone

And my heart is open enough to believe I won’t have to.


Keep Forgiving

“I don’t think I’m there yet.”

Is all I could think of as the crown of daisies circle my arm

A reminder to keep forgiving

Is it ironic that my favourite flower is a weed?

I guess it depends on what you want to do with your lawn

My yard is now filling with wildflowers

Healing from the years of distruction

As they bloom so do I

Signalling what I knew all along;

There is nothing left but forgiveness.


Everything Has Changed

It’s in the things that are put away

The shelves that line the walls

The washing machine that spins

The food in the fridge

It’s in the music that plays

The clothes put away after 6 months of sitting in the kitchen

The wedding suit that is folded and put under the stairs

The crop top that cuts me off at the right points

It’s in the reflection in the mirror

The person who stares at me that I recognise as


Love is Like a Cocktail – Episode 1 – 6

Quiet but capable, Mizusawa Chisato is a beautiful leader who has a secret that only her husband, Sora, knows about: she loves to drink, and when she’s drunk, she becomes exceptionally adorable! What bliss will Sora’s cocktail bring tonight? “Yoidere,” the drunken comedy cocktail about Japan’s most lovey-dovey couple.

This is how Crunchyroll describes this quietly wonderful anime short based on the web series of the same name. The anime details the lifeof Mizusawa Chisato the chief of a successful PR company and her househusband Sora. Chisato is the epitome of the working professional, in the first episode helping her co-worker Koharu finish off her workload as part of her role as being Chief. Straight through to chapter 5 where she works late nights to complete adownload presentation for a project proposal in work. She’ll often go above and beyond the call of duty and has injured herself in the process but is reluctant to get the assistance of others. She is focused and dedicated to her work ensuring that she can provide for her family. Her focus has the opposite effect than intended, where she can subsequently come across as a little cold. However, for those who know her true nature like Sora, knows she is very gentle and sweet it just takes a little bit of encouragement for it to show.

That encouragement comes in the form of a drink; it turns Chisato from someone who is quite quiet and reserved to someone who is far more articulate with her feelings. However, she reserves this part of herself for her husband, Sora. Articulating early on in the anime that she doesn’t like to get drunk around anyone else other thank Sora, as she knows the alcohol makes her a bit funny.

Sora acknowledges this shortcoming about his wife, merely saying that “some people find it difficult to express themselves without it.” This doesn’t mean that Sora is underhanded in the way he conducts himself with his wife. In the third episode, download (1)(appropriately called Cinderella) when Chisato has a fall in work and has to be carried home by Sora after they check on her foot, she asks for a drink and Sora insists that it’s probably not a good idea. I won’t spoil anything from here, but Chisato doesn’t quite get her way. He is never in any way forceful with her when she is slightly inebriated but continuously dotes upon her as he would when she was sober.

Sora and Chisato’s relationship makes this anime. There is something so wholly relateable about their relationship and something that is legitimately genuine about the characters writing and affection. You know for a fact this is a series created with a lot of love and understanding of what the dynamics of marriage is like (well, ideally).

That ebb and flow, the give and take is a grand thing to watch. At 3 minutes long per episode, it gives that punch to the narrative that you wouldn’t get otherwise. It’s an anime that has a level of self-awareness to it – and it doesn’t outstay its welcome, leaving you with just enough of a longing for more.

Watch Love is Like a Cocktail at Crunchyroll http://www.crunchyroll.com/love-is-like-a-cocktail #crunchyroll via @Crunchyroll

In Memory of my Father (Brian Fagan) – 1st of September 2015

It has been a long few weeks for me, with lots of things going wrong. I didn’t get my PhD place, my laptop broke, had other issues, been struggling finding projects to collaborate on, and my health hadn’t been the best of late. 
All of this pales in comparison to the fact that my father (Brian Fagan) passed away suddenly on 1st of September. 
It was a very sudden loss, he died in his sleep – the ultimate way of leaving this earth. After all is what most of us can only wish would happen to us. However, at 57 years old, it was far too soon for anyone to be comfortable with, particularly for myself and my mother. 

I was determined when my godparents arrived at myself and Splinters home at the early hours of the morning when we were told the news that I was going to do my Fathers eulogy. It was something that I knew that if I had done nothing else during that time I had to stand up there and do that. 

If I’m honest, I wound up doing more than I thought I would be able to. Mainly because I saw how profound of an impact his death had. Not just to his immediate family but to the people he engaged with on a day to day basis. I knew I had to step up to honour that, not just his memory and his gift to the world but to continue to reiterate the sentiment that he shared with the world.
Dad was always one of those people who was remembered. Everyone had a story to tell about Dad. Good, bad, happy, sad. Everyone had a memory and a story. He was that kind of person, and he was beloved by everyone. That’s without a degree of bias too, considering the sheer volume of individuals who turned up at short notice from all corners of the globe, and even more so from the corners of the planet who weren’t able to make it. I’d been talking to dad’s colleagues and friends from Europe, USA, and Canada – all sharing their stories and wanting to be apart of this. For those who I’d met all told me about how much my father inspired them. For some he was a mentor, others he was the inspiration to venture into fatherhood, or just known as “Mr Cool.” 
Our entire family was devastated, even those who I would have personally thought would have “pulled it together” – couldn’t. I was in touch with my Dad’s close friends, the strong silent type of Irish men. Who openly admitted they went and sobbed over the loss of my father. That’s when I knew that the ramifications of my dad’s death had a wider impact than just the immediate family. 
My Father never had any regrets, and he actually enjoyed his life. He believed in following your heart – but always having a backup plan. To say yes to the ignorant people – and doing what you want anyway. To being there for your friends and never stepping over people to reach your goal, because the good will always come to those who work for it. Success without limits stems from being true to yourself. 
Dad’s funeral was never going to be a sad description of a man’s life but a celebration of the life that we got to share with him. I don’t think he would have wanted it any other way. After all, particularly for myself and my family, it’s the memories that will endure, and in that way, Dad will never actually leave us. 
This was the point that I honestly reiterated in the eulogy. I didn’t need to stand there and tell them what they already knew because they all knew my Dad was a great man.  What was important then, and what is still important now is that we remember all the good and the bad. Most of the time immediate family generally aren’t able to do the eulogy, but I’m proud to say I did it and did it well. Even the undertakers made a point after the funeral to tell me how impressed they were – as did many of my father’s colleagues. So I’m proud I was able to do what I set out to do.
Now is the hard part: Enduring. For those of you who I haven’t gotten back to for whatever reason, or for those who are wondering why I suddenly fell off the radar, there is the reason. In light of that, however, I’d like to ask for your help. 
I’m trying to get back into the process of getting into research projects for Video Gaming or anything to do with Gaming to help get me on the ladder again. As I feel ready to do some things again and I know I need to start doing things again. 
Most of my credentials can be vouched for, all you need to do is check my linked in, about.Me  or twitter but I’d appreciate any and all help or even kind words and positive vibes.
Hopefully, my posts will be a little bit more regular once I get back into the swing of things too!