Bite Size Reviews – Dream Daddy

Dream Daddy is a visual novel created by popular Youtube Channel Game Grumps. Dream Daddy is a Dad dating simulator. You move into a new place with your beloved daughter Amanda as she is finishing up her final year of school. With a new move to a cozy cul-de-sac you have the option to create the Daddy of your Dreams and date your very own Dream Daddy.

Dream Daddy is a wonderful experience. Short in its narrative with 7 different datable Dads all with different routes and outcomes. It’s a showcase of what diversity and respect for the LGBTQ+ community cannot be overstated. The scenarios feel real and fundamentally grounded in reality. You experience the trails and tribulations of being a single father trying to navigate their way in a whole new phase of their lives.

Positivity in Progress has moved!

Hi all! Just a small update post to let you all know that Positivity in Progress has moved to Etsy full time and away from Spotify. I’ve also added new items to each of the lines, such as eco friendly tote bags as well as leggings for all different shapes and sizes. I hope you’ll all find something on it that will speak to you. https://www.etsy.com/ie/shop/PositivityinProgress?ref=seller-platform-mcnav

Support my Content

If you like my content, please consider donating a euro to help this blog stay active.

€1.00

On Shame, Trust and Beginning Again.

If there is one thing that I know about life is that you truly do not know what will happen. The last few years have eroded my heart until it was basically a husk of its former self. Especially the last few months, where my heart and boundaries have been tried more than ever. 

Some things, though – cannot be undone. I cannot forgive some things. 

My mother is probably reading this, and [REDACTED], I’m sorry I was not what you wanted out of a child. But we will never see each other again. What you’ve done to me has caused me the worst injuries throughout the whole history of our relationship and I cannot see past it. Nobody else will tell you, so I will tell you. 

You’re not half the mother you think you are. You cannot fill the hole that’s inside of you with money, drugs, and clothes. I tried to help you throughout all these years ; be it your addictions, your grief (which is another addiction)- it just made you mad. I had no warning about who you are. I’m so glad I never had a baby for you or Dad, because you’re incapable of loving anything unless there is something in it for you. 

I’m just glad I made it out without breaking down. I will run so fucking far that you will never ever touch me again. I will not see your alligator tears or false promises because I’ve had enough of them. 

All I ever wanted was a family of my own, people who would love me unconditionally. At some stage I will have to realise that you’re a monster and that you’re never going to not be a monster. I can’t keep running back to you hoping that I will get the unconditional love and support I was meant to get. You have spent so much of your life telling me how not to be, how I was wrong about everything. Questioning my every movement, action, thought, and process. You demanded my obedience and control over me. You can dress this up in whatever way you want to. You can blame Dad, you can blame Mark, you can blame grief, you can blame your depression. But I have never ever seen you blame yourself or take responsibility for anything you’ve done. 

I needed to lose you to love me. I needed to hate you to love me. I watched you set fire to all of my forests from when I was a child straight through to adulthood. 

You stole my life from me [REDACTED]. You stole nearly 29 years of my life, where you choose to be the victim of anything and everything that has ever befallen you. Your pain has always been more worthy than everyone else around you and I was no exception. Your grief is endless, boundless, and unrelenting. So when you said that you wanted to “grieve for your little girl” I know there will never be an end to that. As there is never an end to your grief. Not then, not when I was a baby, not when I was a teen, not when I was a young adult and not now since I have grown. 

Life stole that family from me, and from that path years ago. When I made the choice that my life was worth more than my ability to bear a child of my own. Life stole many things away from me, but the moment I started to live a more authentic life to myself, the more wonderful things started to change in my life. How things would twist and change as soon as I told myself that I was worth loving. 

When you carve into a sapling the injury is as wide as the tree. But the only thing you can do is grow the tree, and over time the tree will outgrow the injury. 

I’m going to go and grow my tree.

Splinter is making his own steps and his own moves to live and more authentic versions of himself. Re-prioritising his thoughts and sense of self to something that is more holistically beneficial for him overall. It means him going through a hard time himself too, not just in terms of me and my chronic ailments but how I’m coping psychologically. We’ve endured a lot over the last few years, especially over the last few months. My transitioning has been hard on us both – in ways we didn’t expect. We’re also at that stage of our lives where people we know are getting divorced or dying. We’re grateful to each other – that we can still laugh, joke, feel joy and love from each other. We know plenty of others who have been through less but didn’t survive it. 

I’m endlessly proud and joyful to be a part of his life – for however long I have him. 

Believing I’m worthy of love, and deserve to be loved has been my biggest personal struggle. My weight for sure has been a subject of contention for many years and especially since I had the radical hysterectomy. As I’m polyamourous, I wanted to get back into living again and not just surviving which means, invariably, dating again and the really frightening part – letting someone new in. 

I didn’t realise just how much would be tangled in my relationship with trust. Primarily how much or how little I trust myself. I got the oddest kick with my relationship with myself – being unable to squat onto a bench as I was untrusting that I could make the descent and rise. I’ve thought about it on and off since, wondering how I can learn to build trust in myself and not have it invariable tied to others. 

One betrayal often leads down a rabbit hole of all the other betrayals and those yet to come. Preparing to be disappointed, so much energy spent. That’s why it’s such a tragedy when it’s broken. Trust is your relationship to the unknown but you can’t control it and it’s not all or nothing. It’s worth it to keep trying. 

That’s what I’ve learned through my new partner. That it’s worth it to keep trying. Believing he won’t hurt me, listening to his words, reading in his movements, his actions, his intentions. Instead of constantly watching and waiting, I want to learn to trust him. I want to learn that it’s safe – that he means it when he says how he feels and that the time we spend together is precious to me. 

Being seen, loved and desired is one of the greatest gifts that I’ve experienced. It’s that sweetness that you see in roads you don’t choose. In lovers that have been and gone. In families that you didn’t have. Always looking for that something. Always out of reach. Always “yet”. 

Instead of always craving that sweetness, I’m seeing it in the people I meet. In the smiles and touches that are shared with me. I see it in my seven month Newfoundland puppy in his smile and warmth. I see it in the tenderness of my nine-year-old cocker spaniel as she curls up at my side and sleeps. I see it in Splinter’s eyes at the end of a joke or a bad pun; in the smiling at my oddities of wanting my apples cut or disassembling every hotel TV so I could get a PlayStation hooked up. I hear it in Essa’s all caps messages telling me she loves me. I feel it in Courtney’s words as we celebrate work achievements, mourn our respective losses and share in each other’s lives. 

“As soon as you realise your own worth, the sooner it will harder to stay around people who don’t.”

Foolish and naïve it may be to feel this way about someone new – as I know flames that burst in to light go out the quickest. To have someone change how I feel about myself so quickly is irresponsible, but I’m eternally grateful for him. I found my joy and maybe some hope in him. Every life is filled with passing moments, much like people, seasons change and come and go. But love is fickle when it calls, even when it calls to me to love myself. 

For now, even just so ever briefly; I can learn to let go, breathe, walk in peace, safe knowing that for the first time in many years I can love myself as much as the surrounding people love me. 

To walk toward a life that is filled with so much joy and love and light that I won’t be able to fathom it. 

Be it starlight or sunlight, I now know for sure, there is joy and hope waiting for me. I know my roots will grow deep and I will find the nutrients to grow tall. To take shade under my own tree, to grow my own fruit and take it all in. 

No more despair. 

Support my Content

If you like my content, please consider donating a euro to help this blog stay active.

€1.00

A Note on Bots, Admins, and Being Brave.

img_0364

[Context to this post: I’m an admin for an online community, and I had a very public blow up with someone over a bot I created after repeated instances of negativity. This is the blog post I made to the community after the incident.]

I figured this was going to be longer than an average message that I leave on this topic and I wanted to respect the fact that not everyone is going to want to read it. So in keeping that, I’m going to be leaving this in #general and #admin for those who want to know it. I would appreciate that people do take the time to read it, as the more time I take to think about it, the more I feel I have to say. So without further ado, let’s get started.

Let’s get the elephant in the room out of the way; how I went about dealing with the criticism that I’ve received from the bot was not mature or acceptable. I don’t make any qualms about it. I know I’m better than the behaviour that I rose to and I did rise to it. Not entirely, but I did give it my time and energy. More than, what some of you may think was required or acceptable owing to the nature of the complaints. Which is what they were, complaints.

Usually, and has been evident by my previous behaviour I have been fine with such criticism. But for those who believe my lashing out was due to lack of context, let me provide some that may not be a hundred percent abundant. I do not, and cannot code. Not in the “I’m a network engineer” or an “I’m a UX designer” kind of code. I do not code, it is not my day job nor my hobby. I used a tool that was designed to let non-coders like myself script something that would work within an environment like Slack. I filled a demand that was asked for by a community of technical people. I was so proud of myself for that little bot. It was something that functioned in the way I had designed it to after testing showed that DMing didn’t work. (mainly because the full details when someone creates an account doesn’t get to the bot, so it doesn’t go to @newuser) For those who still don’t understand the monumental achievement of this for me, I’m dyslexic and very dyslexic. This was a step forward for me. Personally, this was progress. I have been bashing my head off a wall of basic programming for a while and god it felt good that something I did finally work! For all those who have told me throughout my life that I have been “overselling myself” or put boundaries in my way, this was another piece of myself to encourage me that I’m always improving. That’s something I want personally for myself, to show all of these people that I’m better than that.

Don’t misunderstand me though, proud of it as I am, I know that it annoyed people. I was open to it changing, I did understand the hassle it caused, I did understand the perceived irritation it caused. However, it served a purpose, a purpose that was requested – not something I created out of my own volition. I filled a gap. I have always run by the philosophy of “If you have nothing nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” So this whole thing of people complaining about it, and yet not doing anything about it…after a few months, it really begins to grate on your nerves. It doesn’t matter if you’re just “voicing your opinion” at this stage – several months down the line – if you still don’t have a solution to the problem that you’re complaining about you really need to address your priorities. For me, that goes for everything if something is bothering you that much and you have the power to change it why don’t you? I can’t answer that for the people who did the complaining. Only they can, and I hope this serves as a point of thought for the individual who has. I hope we can learn from this that just complaining about the sake of complaining gets us nowhere. We are far better than this to be a digital Joe Duffy show.

It took me blowing up at someone over their behaviour to instigate change, and I really wish it hadn’t. I wish that you had just acted on the change that you wanted to see rather than insisting that the only way to get your point across is by belittling and degrading the work of others. Some of you may not see it that way, that “providing feedback” is the only way things improve. That I agree with, but only when it’s constructive and what happened that night was not but negativity. Which is something I don’t encourage here? We all have far more potential than just our complaints, and it really disheartens me that it took this to make a change. Change, that arguably for someone as skilled as the people reading this – took a max of 5 minutes to create.

I want to provide some insight into why I admin here and what my daily admin tasks are like. I admin here because I care about you. Every single one of you reading this and everyone that isn’t. I said to Colm once, when he asked me why I try so hard around here is that I care about the potential of this place. I care about the people in it, and I care about the sanctity of this location. I haven’t come across a community quite like this one (and I’ve been moderating and Admin adult forums since I was 14), and I want to ensure that what is right for this place always is put forward. This means, occasionally, getting in the way. I always try to be as level-headed and understanding when it comes to the many complaints that I get in this places daily maintenance. Not always daily, but due to the fact I’m nearly always here and very much present makes me both the go-to person and the person who is the biggest target.

There have been plenty of instances on here, where people have been trying to publically berate me for making an example out of me. Which I find more humorous than anything else because conversations usually stem from a “don’t you know who I am?” frame of mind (In fact, someone did say that to me once!) and I have to laugh. Sure, I do. The difference is I don’t care. If you’ve broken the ToS or been open harass, I’m gonna be on you like dip on a chip. Most of my time is taken up with the #jobs channel, which I do my best to keep as safe and as diplomatic as possible. Sometimes that isn’t always possible. Recruiters have always been a big hitting point for people. For reasons, I have endeavoured earnestly to understand, and I honestly can’t say that I do. However, my stance will remain with what I said before. I will not let anyone pass through here fearing that their profession, race, gender, sexual preference, hobbies will be used against them. It infuriates me. Those who have been in #jobs will know this. That I don’t get in peoples faces, but if I need to, you will know about it when it happens.

welcome

Some of you may ask Why? What gives me the right to tell other people what to do? Or from a more empathetic side why should I care so much?

I’m gonna quote something that my mentor shared with me recently:

Make decision even if they are wrong,

Make promises.

Make promises to yourself now.

Big crazy signs.

To help others, care about things, never apologise, try new things and most importantly be the person that people can rely on in the future someone that cares.

Promise that you’ll be the person that is there to share your skills and expertise when the next group of awesome people need help.

Those promises and the time you spend on yourself and the things you care about are the only real things under your control.

So why? Why am I trying to guide? Why am I trying to protect? Because I should. Because no one else is going to. Even though its right to do these things. Protecting people is correct. It is good for them to want to feel safe and equal. It is fair for people to want to search and discover themselves. People preach so much here about being vegan/veggie/wasteful/first world problems/privilege. Yet you can’t even be civil people in your own circles. I want to show you all that there is nothing to fear by showing kindness and encouragement of others. This isn’t some SJW bullshit either, it’s humanity 101. A lot of people here have a serious problem with empathy, apathy and hope. If you look for everything that is wrong with you constantly, of course, you are going to get cynical. It is far harder to inspire and be hopeful. I deliberately choose the more difficult path, not case it puts me on some sort of moral high ground. But to show others that it can be done and it can have an impact.

There is, of course, a time and place to be cynical and pessimistic. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ohrQCzZsgIw&index=5&list=PLwxNMb28XmpckOvZZ_AZjD7WM2p9-6NBv) (there is another magnificent school of life video around the importance of being sad and how not everything can be resolved with being cheery) I’m not claiming I know everyone’s story here or what has brought them to this point. The same way you all don’t know mine. All I know is that for that negative and pessimism; it is important to listen to it unconditionally and support its origin. In that way, we’ll try and hopefully find it in ourselves to not push that onto those around us.

In saying that, I pull a lot of aggro around here. I have my own theories behind it. Like the way, I notice Colm and Oisin tend to be listened to a lot quicker around here than me. For those reasons, I’m happy to keep pulling the aggro. I’m glad to keep being vocal and keep being me, because how can I justify to the women and men to come that I didn’t do anything for them? We, as a community, have a problem with diversity here. I’m 1/3 active admin both men and I’d say that a high stat for the actual levels of conversation here. Bar one or two other women I see here on occasion, I’m the only active one. Is it representative of tech in general? Who knows, that’s a bigger conversation. But my gender was always going to be brought into this, so I’m going to take it up first. With this confirming statement.

They may fear you, but I don’t.

I don’t want to stand in the year where so much has happened in the world for everyone to sit back and remain the same. I will eventually get asked by people: Where were you? Did you fight? Was I fearful or fearsome? What did I regret not standing for? What did I do, not just for women, but for people in the year that it was time? The path I’m helping to forge, what did it cost me and did I do enough? I know the answer to most of that is no, and I’m working on changing that.

I want to be able to help change your thinking too, not just for how many dollars you have in your bank accounts or your RAID arrays. But, what did we do for each other when it really matters. Are you going to stand at the sides in silence? Or will you speak?

It’s what I’m afraid of. After all, that happened, not that voices weren’t heard cause they were and I’m glad. But on the side that was under-represented, did you feel harassed by it? For those who didn’t speak at all, more importantly, I implore you to consider why you didn’t? Did you believe people spoke for you? Did you believe what was said was enough? Cause I can assure you, from the bottom of my heart, for those who didn’t speak, I wish you had. I wish your voice were heard. I wish you spoke with truth and honesty, with all the noise you have to give because your voice is just as strong as mine or anyone else in this place. Don’t let what happened here deter you otherwise. It’s so important to speak if you disagreed with either side or didn’t think anything about it at all it’s important.

Cause this is a community full of people, and your voice matters.

I hope that you’ll use your voice to impact the individuals and communities you care about in 2017.

With love and sincerity and all that I have to offer,

Specious.