I’ve nothing to say for myself and for the neglect of the blog other than life just got in the way. It’s a pretty poor excuse for not being around. Or giving this blog the time it deserves, but I think that with everything that has happened, losing my dad and then subsequently losing my home, I don’t believe there was ever a right time to let you all know whats going on with me.
I know that has its pro’s and con’s, but I’m finding myself trying to distance myself. I’m aware of the distance and the space that I’m working to create for myself, Lord knows my friends haven’t seen or heard much from me since Dad died. Part of me thinks that while it’s apart of the course of grieving but there is another that’s just realised I’m not the same person after the experience.
I desperately want to leave Ireland now. I don’t feel like there is much of life that I can create for myself, I feel out of place and unsettled. I also want to prove to myself that I want to start living because I’m afraid to now that Dad is gone. This is because I knew that it didn’t matter how badly I fucked up, Dad was always there to get me out of whatever trouble I got myself into. Doesn’t mean that I was reckless, but I had that safety net. I no longer have that safety net, and I’m caught between paralysing fear as to my life vs. the sense of I need to prove to myself that I can keep going. I guess it also comes from a greater sense of feeling like if I don’t go now, I never will. Which is a kind of weird statement to make being 25 but I just have a feeling that I can’t shake off “I need to go.”
A lot of people get my inclination to leave, moving back home, having my grandad get sick, Splintor’s grandmother passing is all a lot to happen in a short space of time, and things keep changing. My contract with work shall be ending soon so I will need to eventually find a new job soon. But work is a whole other kettle of fish, something that may be left for another blog post when I’m long since gone!
So I have a lot to consider, and I have a lot of balls in the air presently regarding jobs and PhD as its something I still want to chase.
Wish me luck, I’m going to need them over the next while!